Catching negative thoughts

CBT literature tells us about catching negative thoughts. I think we can all be guilty of believing negative thoughts as they enter our head and never really challenge them. This can then lead to negative belief patterns becoming part of us.

It is a difficult habit to get into, we happily challenge other things in life, but not our own thoughts, we trust them and believe them to be the only version of the truth. But are we correct to do that?

Should we try to become a high court judge in our life, passing evidence based on judgement rather than just thoughts that may enter our mind.

Three things to be grateful for

Firstly, my oldest son is doing really well at school and got 10/10 in a maths test today.

Secondly, my wife, who is putting massive pressure on herself by completing a degree and working full time is doing really well even though she doubts herself.

Thirdly, the team I support won at the weekend in a big semi final which was great.

Cheers

Britain and America; Divided by a Common Language?

As we watch the US election, featuring two candidates clearly not short on confidence, from here in the UK most of us are really puzzled.

I've not met one person who regards Donald Trump as anything other than a danger and a menace. Very few, here, would ever consider voting for him.

Yet in the USA he is polling at 43% and has a reasonable chance of winning. Are the USA and Britain so different now that we have very little in common other than our language?

Interesting times ahead.

Cheers

Gemlins

We all have gremlins in our mind that tell us "I no good at ...." or "I'll never be succesful at ....". Steve Peters in the Chimp Paradox talks about the Chimp in our brain putting these gremlins there and that they should be dismissed as nonsense. But how do we work out what are gremlins and how do we get rid of them?

A useful test comes from CBT where we imagine a judge analysing the evidence of the situation. Where is the evidence that we are no good at this or that particular activity. If we try to observe it neutrally we may draw the conclusion that we are no good at certain skills because we have always given up too easily and never really practiced them fully.

So the lesson here is; before we give a negative verdict on ourselves analyse the evidence, it is perhaps the chimp being overly dramatic as usual.

Now my three things to be grateful for

1. I managed to get out on the bike into the countryside today although it was a wee bit chilly on the hands and feet it was dry.

2. My wife does not have any university work today so we are actually relaxing at home this afternoon.

3. We are having a takeaway for dinner as it is the weekend.

4. an extra I know, There is big game here in Glasgow tomorrow so I may be either feeling grateful or disappointed tomorrow.

Cheers

How do you box that chimp?

I read the Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters about three years ago now and although I found it really helpful I have to keep reminding myself it is a long term skill to be learned rather than a quick fix.

One of the trickiest new habits to learn is how to "box that chimp" that is banish unhelpful and destructive thought patterns and replace them with more helpful autopilots.

Now I am still guilty of allowing the chimp part of my brain to receive information rather than the human part. This leads to me worrying and thinking negatively on things over which I have no control.

Although I have benefitted greatly from the book I still find it hard to box that chimp and have to force myself to think about it before making decisions.

Also here's my gratitude list

1. I'm still off work, back on Monday and it is great to spend some time with the kids.

2. Here in Scotland all the chat is about another independence referendum and although this would be our third such vote in four years and we are all a little campaign weary at present at least we live in a democracy and can exercise a vote.

3. Finally, it is a dry day so a wee trip to the park is on the agenda for later today.

Cheers 

Optimising the Performance of the Human Mind: Steve Peters at TEDxYouth@...

This is an inspirational video clip, totally love it as Dr Peters very concisely explains the complex workings of our brain. The concept of managing unhelpful and destructive thoughts by asking "Do I want to have these thoughts?" is very powerful. Even being aware we have an inner chimp who should be boxed in is very powerful. If you have not read the book please do, one of the best about.

Anyway, three more items for my gratitude list.

1. I am so proud of my wife who is working full time while completing a degree, at which she is excelling.

2. I caught up with my oldest pal yesterday and spent the day with him, my youngest son is the same age as his boy and they get on great.

3. I'm still of work and just about to do a session on the turbo trainer.



Cheers

Gratitude List

One of the best ways to keep ourselves positive is to list all the things which we are grateful for.

A friend at work was telling me she currently forces herself to write three things she is grateful for every day. She says she sometimes has to mention quite mundane items on her list to ensure she makes it to three. She also says it is difficult to always come up with fresh material but has to repeat herself a fair bit.

Anyway, in addition to writing my (almost) daily blog I'm going to finish with a list of things for which I feel gratitude.

1. I'm off work at the moment with the kids for a week and I didn't have to face the daily commute this morning.

2. After a morning of rain the weather is drying up and I can take the kids to the park after lunch. It rains on average every second day here in Glasgow so I'm grateful it won't be raining today. The sun has just appeared so that is a result.

3. I'm taking my oldest son to a champions league footie match tomorrow night which will be his first big night at the football and mine for a few years.

Cheers

People with too much confidence

The world appears to have plenty of people with too much confidence as well as too little.

People who make promises to voters without keeping them for example. Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage spring to mind. Donald Trump clearly believes he can do and say what he pleases.

I'm shocked that even one person believes him never mind 40% of the US electorate who appear to be supporting him in the forthcoming election. If he were to win, a similar sequence of events would follow as happened here in the UK after Brexit; all the arguments for leaving the UK have unravelled very quickly.

Beware of over confident people. They can be very dangerous.

Cheers

Confidence:Biggest Barrier to Employment

I had a very interesting work related meeting with the Manager of an agency which offers support to people with Additional Support Needs to help them gain or keep a job.

Sadly the biggest single factor in preventing these people in succeeding in work is not their additional support need whether it be Aspergers or Dyslexia. It is in fact their confidence has been dented so much as they can perceive themselves as being different.

How sad is that?

People with so much to offer but prevented by a barrier in their mind which tells them they are not good enough. But it isn't real. The barriers don't exist. If only everyone, myself included, could remember that all the time.

Cheers

Living Life on your own terms

There are times where those of us lacking in confidence can become submissive when dealing with a more confident assertive colleague or  family member.

It can become second nature. I think even being aware that it is occurring is a good starting point. 

The concept of an imaginary twin is a useful one here. Would we put up with them being treated badly? Thought not.

Why put up with it ourselves then?

Cheers   

Confidence is a skill and skills can be learned

I think many of us who lack confidence look on at our more self assured friends and colleagues with a slight sense of envy. My thoughts were "I wish I can be more like them but I never will as they have been born with confidence that passed me by."

Now I do accept some are naturally more confident than others. Donald Trump, for example, seems to be able to bounce back from any setback and go on the attack even though he has shown to be a genuinely awful human being. But as one author pointed out; humility and empathy are difficult qualities to find in human who is arrogant enough to believe that the world is solely here for their benefit.

However, for those of us not in that position, and that is a major asset in many respects, we can slowly build our confidence levels by working on them day by day and week by week. I have written about a few techniques in the past and will investigate some more in future blogs.

Cheers  

Brexit & Economic Problems

Why would someone take decisions and vote against their own personal interests?

We are now seeing the predicted economic turbulence as the Government are making firmer plans about the UK exit from the EU.

Most impartial economic observers, during the run up to the referendum, thought that a leave vote would result in further economic problems.

So why did 52% of the population vote for it? Is it connected to confidence, if you don't think your situation is capable of improving then if there is a chance of change then why don't take it?

Obviously when we examine the motives of seventeen million voters the situation is obviously more nuanced than that but I think fear and a lack of self confidence has something to do with it.

Cheers 

Growth Mindsets

There are quite an number of books out now which talk about the growth mindset which was a term first used by Carol Dweck who wrote the original book on the subject.

If we believe we can become better with practice and effort then this is the greatest confidence boost ever. We can work on things then improve.

However, I am often guilty of not following my own advice slipping into a fixed mindset especially when it comes to particular areas, dancing in my case.

However, we owe it to ourselves to keep the growth mindset and keep trying

Cheers

Taking Stock

Well, when I started this blog I had one main objective; to see if I could boost the confidence of myself and others by blogging about it every day. That was on 20 July.

Here we are over 12 weeks later and how have I got on?

Well I have missed a few days I have to admit. It was easy finding 10 or 15 minutes when I was off work during the school holidays when I begun. I also had the time to read articles and books by other far more qualified authors than myself.

However, committing to writing about confidence on a regular basis has forced me to think about it far more than I would have done. This has undoubtedly had a positive impact as it has allowed be to use the techniques I have discussed in the blog myself. Therefore, yes, I do feel more confident and assured than I would have otherwise.

More importantly has this blog helped others? Well, I hope so. My oldest son, who is 10, paid me a massive compliment by saying I had helped him feel much more confident. Not that he reads the blog, but obviously I try to support family and friends as much as possible.

Will I have written 365 blog posts by 20 July 2017? I plan to give it my best shot.

Will I run out of topics? I hope not although I may have repeated points already and just forgotten.

Anyway thanks to my many readers. I am slightly shocked by the number of hits I am getting. So thank you.

Cheers

Being grateful for the small stuff

I was at the funeral today of a friend and colleague who passed way too early from cancer leaving behind a husband and two small kids.

It is a desperately sad situation with those two young kids' lives being altered drastically forever.

Her husband will never get to do the trivial, small things like make her a cup of tea or go to the supermarket together again.

Speaking to others who were there today it made us really grateful for these seemingly small, trivial daily routines.

I have heard acknowledging what we are grateful for, no matter how trivial can boost our well being. At times like this I can see their point. 

cheers

Chimps Everywhere These Days

You would have thought that the world of politics in 2016 in Britain would, at least, be one area where there was a sense of decorum where adult human intellect was used to resolve differences of opinion and issues were robustly debated.

Not so in UKIP, the right wing party who have enjoyed some electoral success recently. A party meeting descended into violence with the prospective leader spending some time in hospital after suffering head injuries. This is classic chimp behaviour sorting issues out with the fists. But surely politicians should be above that sort of thing. One would think.

However, if we examine the political messages communicated by UKIP again it is classic chimp behaviour. "We are one troop and these foreigners are a different troop, therefore we should be wary of them." Even the most basic common sense analysis of this reveals it as absurd. There is no reason we should have anything in common with someone just because they happen to be born in the same place as them. The converse is also true why should we be suspicious of a person just because they happen to be born in a different country?

I'm wary of plenty of characters from my home city, I have to say, based on their demeanour and motives rather than their nationality or colour.

However, UKIP are one thing but surely the Conservatives, the party of Government here in the UK at the moment, would not engage in divisive troop based rhetoric. Not so, sadly, they are appealing to the most base of instincts by wanting employers to list all their overseas employees for example. For what purpose we wonder.

Worrying times with too many chimps about.

Cheers
 

Thought Traps; even more

I think we all jump to conclusions at times without assessing the evidence. This is a major thought trap that we need to analyse. For example, there are many situations where we rely on feelings rather than any evidence and conclude that there is a negative outcome based on nothing other than our own skewed perception.

An even more extreme example of this is where we read someones mind and conclude they don't like us or that they are angry or upset with us even though there is no evidence to support this view.

These traps are very difficult to get out of as they are normally very deeply ingrained patterns from childhood. CBT is a really good starting point to get out of it; although face to face conversation and counselling is not for everyone. A really good place to begin is the Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters, I know I refer to it a lot but it is because it is so effective and helps us start to realise most of these thoughts are the responsibility of the Chimp and as adults we can do something about it and start to challenge these patterns.

Cheers  

The Talent Code - Errors are Good

Another favourite Author of mine is Daniel Coyle who wrote the Talent Code and The Little Book of Talent.

The Talent code is an fascinating read where he basically debunks the old myth about talent, there are other such as Matthew Syed and Carol Dweck who also have written on the same topic.

He argues that success has nothing to do with our old fashioned notion of talent and everything to do with purposeful practice and the quality of the feedback received by the learner.  

He focuses on success stories like a Tennis school in Russia which has been responsible for some of the best players in the world. The building is not plush, basic even, but it is the ethos of focusing and fixing errors which helps players develop at a precocious rate.  

However, those of us who suffer from a lack of confidence find it difficult to focus on mistakes and will often try to cover up and hide our mistakes. Therefore, we miss crucial learning opportunities.

I have heard the quote "Mistakes are good" but it is sometimes still tricky to adopt that approach in our lives.

Cheers

Gratitude

I know I initially stated I would try to write about confidence related issue every day. However, sometimes, life gets in the way. This weekend I found out a work friend who had kids the same age as me had passed away following a battle with cancer.

As you can imagine I’m still trying to get over the shock and sadness at this point.

However, I know I have spoken about feeling grateful but it is sometimes difficult to find reasons to be grateful when we hear news like that.

Cheers