Even more on CBT

Two more though traps that are very common and I have been guilty of in the past are Mental Filters and Disqualifying the positive.

Mental Filters can start us in a cycle of negative thoughts. We focus only on the negative of a situation, we then ruminate on those negative feelings which increases their importance so that our memory of an event or outcome can become distorted. I always try to focus on partial successes at this point. Every situation is made up of positives and  negatives and everything can have some form of positive outcome, even if it is just a learning experience.

Disqualifying the positive is another related thought trap. We respond to a situation by discounting anything which may reflect positively on us putting it down to luck or circumstance. While any negative outcomes are definitely our fault. This can be an easy trap to fall into where our own achievements are less worthy than those of others. The imaginary twin I mentioned yesterday is a good tool to use here.

These problems are easier to identify than solve but at least if we start analysing our own thought patterns we can become aware of any errors.

Cheers

More on Thought Traps

There are loads on CBT techniques online which include ways to identify thought traps as if we know what traps we may fall into then we are more likely when we are making these errors of judgements and do something about it.

One more that springs to mind is magnification which is also known catastrophising. This is a very common trap for those of us with confidence issues to fall into. We tend to under estimate our own achievements and abilities while at the same time ovethinking and exaggerating the importance of things that may go wrong. 

Using an imaginary twin (unless you have a real twin even better) you can picture the in the same circumstances and situation. Does the situation seem so bad or negative. We need to be kinder to ourselves.

Cheers  

Thought Traps

I have read up on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and attended a introductory course on it and I really like some of the tools on offer.

One of the points that stuck on my mind was that of "Thought Traps".

I think we have been all guilty of some of these at times

For example I can think of many times I have been guilty of black and white thinking where as soon as one thing goes wrong then we believe that the project is a complete disaster. I have been trying to train myself to try think of everything as a partial success with some lessons to be learned.

Also over generalisation, for example I allowed my self to be tainted by having a cheeky and mean spirited boss when I was younger. I then believed all bosses had to be mean spirited and nasty to get ahead. Although no doubt some are (look no further than the entrepreneur and republican presidential candidate) most are not.

However, identifying the problem is the easy bit, it is hard to alter deeply ingrained thought patterns but at least awareness of Thought Traps is a good starting point.

Cheers

The Dangers of giving up too easily

There seems to be a vicious circle where if we are low on confidence we don't persist with a task which then results in failure denting our confidence even further.

Another favourite book of mine; Bounce by Matthew Syed states the case strongly that we can't really give up on something or decide we are no good at it if we don't dedicate enough time to it. And that time has to be used purposefully making constant  improvements based on regular feedback.

Syed, along with others, argues that there is a 10,000 hour rule. In order to become expert at something we have to dedicate all those hours, or 3 hours per day for 10 years to put it another way,  to honing our skills.

Now have a think about all the activities, hobbies and skills we have tried to learn and develop before deciding we are no good. Did we give it 10,000 hours? Did we even dedicate 1000 hours?

This book altered the way I view the world and made me really appreciate the skill we see on the tennis court, football pitch or even board room as it has all been hard earned. There are no quick fixes or easy solutions, just hard work.

I have stopped using the word "talent" completely now as it is unlikely that it exists in the way we perceive it and it is not a helpful concept in the first place. It just gives us a reason to give up as we can claim "We don't have the talent."

Cheers 

Don't listen to other people's chimps

As I have mentioned before one of the best books around for mind management is The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters. It is one of these you books you need to read 3 or 4 times as the whole concept can appear slightly bizarre initially. The chimp part is the emotional, child like, reactionary section while the human equivalent is calm and rational using facts to reach conclusions.

He reminds us that the brain is divided into different sections including the human and chimp parts. Our job is to work out when the chimp may highjack our thoughts and make sure the human is in charge as it is only the human who can make rational, sensible decisions. This can be easier said than done, especially for those of us with explosive or emotional chimps.

It is all well and good analysing our own thoughts and categorising them as either chimp or human but we also have to make sure we are actually communicating with the human in others rather than their chimp.

This can be really tricky to identify and an easy trap to fall into. So we have to reassess our communications with others. Are they just saying something to let off steam and gain attention or do they actually plan to do as they say?

I have been guilty recently of listening to someone's chimp rather than their human voice and it was a bit of an error but is probably a mistake we all make.

Cheers

 

Sticking to your core skills

A big part of feeling confident comes from feeling accomplished at what we do in our careers.

I read an interesting article in magazine which I think was called Psychlogy while I was waiting for my son to have his hair cut.

The key point I took from it was that if we are feeling that we are directionless in our careers then we should look at our hobbies and interests for inspiration as these will reflect our key joys and passions.

If we have a role as a mentor or supporting people in our private lives could these skills be used in the workplace or if we are always socialising and organising parties at home, could we use this expertise in our professional life as well?

I guess I have already ticked that box as I spend a lot of my own time with my own children including taking my oldest son's football team while professionally I am a teacher.

Anyway I will give it some more thought.

Cheers

  

Can we unlearn a lack of self belief

As you may have already worked out I come from Glasgow, Scotland's largest city.

Although I love the city and have called it home for almost all of my life, it is by no means perfect.

When I was growing up in the 1980's the city went through a difficult time as it went from an economy based on heavy engineering and shipbuilding to today's service based economy. Unemployment was as high as most of us have ever known with all the attendant social ills worklessness creates.

It was also, to some extent, a divided city. Two separate religious groups Catholics and Protestants, with their children going to different schools and supporting different football teams (football is a big deal in Glasgow) led two suspicion and division.

I grew up in the Catholic community, which in the 80's still suffered from some historical job based discrimination.

Fast forward 30 years the communities are almost entirely integrated, people are more likely to send their children to the best school locally regardless of denomination and there is no Catholic/Protestant job discrimination to speak of. The football teams still exist though. 

I am sad to say I became part of the problem, I had few protestant friends and would judge people based their name trying to assess their religious roots. I am still completely ashamed of this now.

Thankfully, when I went to university I began to slowly realise this was all nonsense and any form of discrimination is patently wrong.

I made a conscious effort to unlearn everything about judging people based on their religion; it took me a while but I can safely say it is not something I have given any thought to in many years.

So is it possible to unlearn other things like our reticence and lack of confidence? 

Belief in your own values

The Labour Party here in the UK are undergoing a leadership election. The incumbent, Jeremy Corbyn has lost the confidence of his Parliamentary MPs but he has kept going despite widespread resignations from his shadow cabinet. 

Under most circumstances most of us would not have the confidence to keep going and do what most of the MPs want and resign. However, Corbyn has the support of many Labour supporters in the country, although it is unlikely he presuade enough of the electorate to vote for Labour if there were a General Election.

Corbyn keeps going, and has some fanatical support from rank and file members because he is seen as someone with integrity and as a man who stick to his values.

And sometimes we must stick to our values even when we don't have the support of our colleagues.

Cheers

Fear of others

This topic has been in the media a lot in recent weeks and months. There seems to be increasing media hysteria about immigrants playing on some individuals irrational fear of people who happen to be slightly different from them.

Politicians like Nigel Farage, Donald Trump and newspapers like the Daily Mail attempt to create division and create us and  them scenarios to put forward abhorrent political messages based on fear. 

Steven Pinker has written many fascinating books including the Blank Slate, which is a really worthwhile and interesting read. In this book he talks about the difference between races of people. The conclusion was that given how large the human population is it is exceptionally homogeneous when compared to other species. The fact that most stuck in my mind was that there was a far greater difference genetically within races of people than between different races.

In other words we have far more in common than anything that separates.

Maybe we should bear that in mind and switch over when we hear extreme right wing politicians like Farage on their rants.

But this fear others, where does it stem from? A lack of self confidence perhaps?

Cheers

Feel the fear and do it anyway

This was one of the first self books I ever read. I don't even know why it attracted my attention in Waterstone's bookstore where I was more likely to be found perusing the shelves of the sports section. This was in the 1990's long before the advent of online bookstores so, when I had a spare hour or two I would head into the bookshop

However, although initially I was a little wary of it as I feared it would contain Americanisms and not really be appropriate for me. However, it was a revelation, I really enjoyed it as it really spoke to me.

The basic premise of the book is that we all feel unconformable and fearful in new and unfamiliar situations and there is no point in denying that. Instead we should try to use this energy to go ahead and confront our challenges. This was really helpful for me because at that point I was unhappy in my career and life in general.

So, even though it is about 20 years since I first read it I would still recommend it to help us develop our confidence.

Cheers   

Last Weekend

Last weekend was a big occasion in my home city of Glasgow. Rivalries were renewed by two great rivals with Celtic taking on Rangers in the league.

This leads to the very real possibility of street violence with the occurrences of domestic abuse increasing three fold. The atmosphere in the city centre is very tense with the atmosphere in the stadium poisonous. 

Why, as a city do we put ourselves through it?

The reason is simple; when the team you support wins then it is amazing. Or I used to find it amazing but I have learned to try not to gain confidence and gain well being from events outwith my control.

But sometimes old habits die hard and it was great to win 5-1.

Cheers   

Helping other before more confident

As I am sure you are aware one of the most liberating aspects of recognising our own lack of confidence is that we are not alone. There are many others in the same situation. Or even worse.

Their self esteem and belief eroded by alk manner of life events.

What gives me more feeling of well being than anything else is the notion that I can helping others with their own confidence battles.

So when we are feeling a lack of self belief surely it is better to look outwards and think what can I do for my friends and family than what can they do for me.

To have good friends one must become a good friend.

Cheers 

The Chimp Paradox

The Chimp Paradox is my favourite book of it's type, it is written by Dr Steve Peters who has worked with the very successful UK track cycling team.

If you have confidence issues and have been affected by self doubt, and given you a reading a blog on it then I am guessing it is of interest.

In the book Peters actually achieves something amazing he gets the reader to see themselves, the world and interactions with others in a completely different perspective.

It is calming, straightforward and an easy read, it is well worth a try, I'll go into more detail on it in future posts

Cheers

Learning new skills

One thing I have learned in the last few weeks of my blog is that confidence is a double edged sword. We know the strategies we can employ to help build our confidence like meeting new people, eating healthily and regularly exercising but it takes a certain amount of confidence to take the initiative and try any of these activities.

I would add learning new skills to the list as well, because after we have mastered something there is no better feeling of satisfaction and pleasure than being able to for example speak a foreign language or play a musical instrument. Please note I can do neither!

However, the paradox is that learning takes the most out of our confidence as well, especially when it is something challenging. Messy can be messy, unpleasant, scary and unfair (why do things come easily to other people.)

I have tried to alter my attitude to learning in recent years and try to appreciate the journey with all it's challenges and setbacks rather than give up as soon as I had a negative experience (which I have previous for.)

It is not easy but I feel I am making progress!

Cheers   

"I Canny Dae That!"

This is a phrase I hear a lot as a teacher in Scotland, for those of you not fluent in our version of English they mean "I cannot do that."

I am so relieved that here in Scotland we have avoided any suggestion to follow the example in England and Wales of a return to grammar schools.

To divide pupils at age 11, as has been suggested, is cruel and writes off a huge proportion of the population at a point where they have so much development still to do.

It seems this decision is based on old fashioned and outdated logic.

Current thinking states there is no such thing as bright and less bright children.

The pupils who perform well at the ages of 5 or 6 in school are the ones who have been parented best, there can be over a one year developmental gap at this point between advantaged and disadvantaged pupils. This gap then continues and even grows every year.

And guess which cohort will be the ones who perform the best in any test at age 11? those with the most supportive home environment.

Therefore, those who have had the disadvantage of having been poorly parented have the double whammy of a poorer education.

Which means even more people growing up believing they cannot do anything. Their confidence shattered at aged 11.

Makes me sick

Cheers

 

Money goes to Money

There is a Scottish Expression (well I think it is Scottish anyway) that says money goes to money which states that those who already have money can then invest and make even more than those with nothing.

But I think the same is true for confidence. When we feel good about ourselves we are then in a better place to then engage in activities which will further boost our confidence. Taking risks, meeting new people and trying new activities.

Sadly the opposite is true and we can get trapped in a vicious circle with our lives becoming smaller and smaller.

The secret is, I feel, is to have a least one or two things which bring us confidence. For me it is exercise but it could be anything. So have a think about a hobby or pastime that will make you feel better about yourself regardless of whatever else is going on in your life and stick to it.

Regardless of how low on self belief or energy I am feeling I always force myself out for a run or a cycle and it seems to work.

Cheers

 

The Positives of Exercise

As I have mentioned before the times of my life where I felt least confident coincided with my least active and therefore most overweight years.

I am now thankfully a decent weight although I do fight a serious chocolate addiction (better than my previous beer addiction.)

For one reason or another I didn't manage to squeeze in any training for the last few days.

However tonight I managed an interval session on the turbo trainer and what a difference.

I feel so much better!

The only problem is I have an exercise addiction as well.

Cheers

We are not alone

I heard a really interesting report on radio five live today. 

A scientist was discussing the reasons for stage fright with many actors and performers suffering horribly before a show. Some of the symptoms included vomiting and many of the victims had to fight the urge just to pack up their gear and go home before emerging onto stage. 

A famous music promoter was then asked for his contribution which totally shocked me. The names he mentioned like John Lennon, Barbara Streisand and Van Morrison are among the best in their field. Especially John Lennon, as without his music the world would be a far poorer place.

This music promoter said there were occasions when he would literally have to push singers onto stage to ensure they actually performed. Can you imagine if he hadn't been there?

Two things to be learned from this I feel. One is not to be too scared as everyone, even the most rich and famous suffer from a lack of confidence at times, even when pursuing their passion. And secondly, we all need a push sometimes!

cheers 

Dopamine

Dopamine is another brain chemical which provides mental boosts and feelings of wellbeing.

It can be boosted by eating particular foods like almonds, bananas, green leafy vegetables but also chocolate and coffee which is great news.

We can also boost our dopamine by training and exercising regularly, this is no surprise I have to say and a common theme in this blog. 

Meditation is also mentioned as a means by which we can get a Dopamine boost. There are plenty of great meditations on buddanet.com. and headspace is a good app if you want meditation without any religious context.

Finally, setting and achieving goals, even modest, ones can provide us with extra dopamine. So how about some exercise goals?

Cheers  

Serotonin

As we saw from the graphs post from a couple of days ago Serotonin appears to be crucial in developing positive feelings like love and happiness and avoiding depression.

But can we add serotonin through our diet? Apparently so.

Foods like salmon, turkey, nuts and seeds as well as pineapple have been shown to boost our levels of the all important chemical.

Cheese also gets a mention but I would avoid dairy foods in excess.

Other ways of boosting serotonin? our old friend exercise which makes sense and sunlight which is easier said than done here in rainy Scotland.

Cheers 

Yesterday's Post

I love looking into the reasons why people behave in particular ways and the graphic from yesterday shows that much of it can be explained by Seratonin, Dopamine and  Oxytocin.

But how much can we as individuals control the quantities of these in our brains?

As surely if we can control them using diet, exercise and sleep then we can have more control over how we feel. 

And if we have more control over how we feel, we can make ourselves feel more confident.

That's the theory anyway. I look forward in the future to looking in more detail at how the balance in the brain works and the power we have to influence it.

Cheers

The Power of seratonin and dopamine

How hormones influence our emotions

Dealing with Adversity

Some people appear to deal with adversity easily and bounce back from all types of events while others seem to crumble at a minor setback.

But why?

My view is that dealing with adversity and being able to bounce back from setbacks is a skill which can be learned.

Some seem to learn these lessons at a very young age, even as toddlers or young children, while the rest of us take longer to pick up these skills.

But we can make steps to start developing these skills now.

1. Firstly view any experience as a learning one, try to take anything from it, we can generally learn a lot about ourselves in difficult situations.

2. Reinvent the future, always be prepared to alter our future plans and expectations based on what has happened. That is not to say we give up on ambitions.

3. Don't get angry; get curious; we can all initially react with fury when something goes wrong. But we need to work hard to overcome these feelings and then try to become curious about what went wrong and why we reacted in the particular way we did.

Cheers

Girls' Falling Confidence

A BBC report from July shows that girls' confidence levels take a real dip after the age of 10.

The Girl Guide survey indicates that girls feel far less sure of themselves when they hit the age of 17.

For example in answer to the question I feel confident in myself 63% of those of between 7-10 responded positively while this fell to 31% for those ages 17-21.

Likewise, in response to the question I can do anything I try only 40% of those between 17-21 said yes while 74% of their younger counterparts responded yes.

The pattern continued with the third question I am proud of something I have achieved with the figures being 75% and  41%.

Worrying indeed for all of us especially those of us with daughters.

What is the issue? School, Society, Peers

I think this is something worth looking at more closely in the future

Cheers