Is a lack of confidence a first world problem?

I have just finished reading A Splendid thousands suns by Khaled Hosseini which is a gripping read dealing with the plight of women in Afghanistan before during and after the horrific Taliban regime.
  
Women at that point basically at no rights, couldn't work and couldn't even travel without a male relative. There were various other seemingly bizarre rules which could prompt beatings or worse from the authorities including wearing makeup and nail polish. 

Under these brutal conditions no women in the country were allowed to develop any confidence as they were not expected to receive an education, get a job or achieve any of the other things that allow us to grow and develop as people. They were essentially modern day slaves.

Now part of the issue was the horrific regime who enforced these bizarre and grotesque laws but also it was poverty. Afghanistan is placed 174 out 199 countries when ranked by GDP per capita. 

Sadly there is much inequality in the world, with the gap between rich and poor growing by the day, and most of those who live in countries like Liberia and Somalia to name but two will lead a life which is to be endured, a grim struggle to survive.

Perhaps we should be grateful we have lives which are comfortable enough for us to worry about our confidence in the first place.

Cheers   

Other People are Always Really Confident

My low self esteem as a youth was exacerbated by my perception that I was the only sufferer.

The world appeared full of far more confident and assured souls and I was on my own with this one.

This lead to me, much to my shame, being unpleasant and rude to siblings and school mates at times as I thought everyone else in the world was so self assured they would be immune to any form of criticism and I was so unworthy my views weren't worth noting anyway.  

Again, looking at these views thirty years on, I recognise this as self obsessed nonsense. 

Obviously, significant proportions of the population suffer from confidence issues with just about everyone taking dents to their confidence now and again. 

Now I still feel guilty about my rude moments as a kid and try now to be pleasant and helpful recognising that outside appearances are seldom a good indicator of the actual thought processes in someone's head. 

This brings me to Jeff of Absolute Radio of all people. 

He was relating a humourous story from his own childhood on his evening show as I was driving home one night, about family holidays as a child. Basically, his Mum organised the travel arrangements, the accommodation, the currency, the insurance, the packing and every other holiday related task.

His Dad, he said, was responsible for morale suggesting he would crack a few jokes and have a laugh while his Mum became increasingly stressed with all the other responsibilities.

However, is there a serious point in here? Should families have someone responsible for the morale and sense of well being of everyone else. If so who would it be? and what if they needed a boost?

Maybe we should all be responsible for the morale of others as well.

Confidence Problems - an Easy Quick Fix

As a child I had, for a real variety of reasons, a genuine shortage of confidence and self belief. This would see me give up hobbies as soon as things required any determination. For example, when I was twelve I was selected by the school to run in the local championships competing against other schools at cross country. This should have been a real honour but I didn't believe in myself enough.

As a novice competing against more experienced, taller and faster runners I didn't stand a chance of being anywhere near the front and trotted home about 75th out of 100.

If I knew then what I know now I could have told myself;

"It was my first time, I was, therefore, inexperienced and I lost out to runners who had trained harder and had been running for longer, There is no shame in that all I have to do is train as hard as them and I will improve. Anyway, my target should be to improve each time I compete so even if I finish 50th next time that would be a significant step."

Sadly the logic of a 12 year old with low self esteem doesn't work like that that. it says

"Here is another piece of evidence that you are out of your depth and you will never amount to anything, you may as well give up." 

So I did, which obviously is a regret. 

But I try to use that regret as a source of motivation and I am still running, cycling etc now in my mid forties. Although I never win any events, that is obviously not important anymore.

This attitude of giving up easily prevailed throughout by early teens until when I was 16 I discovered the cure. It came in cans like the one below (the sexist nature of the cans is another subject but everyone in my city just accepted them as part of life.)

 

A house party, six cans of this and my old social fears, shyness and anxiety disappeared in one evening! Problem solved I thought, why hadn't anyone said!.

As you can imagine this story does not end well, the following morning I was back to my usual shy self but with a list of new regrets to add! Worse off than ever.

I will go into more depth in the future on drinking, but, for a million reasons, it is not the answer. 

I don't touch it anymore whatsoever, I'm an avid reader of some really good sober blogs like mummy was a secret drinker and soberistas. 

It is like many things that appear initially promising, just another confidence thief.

Cheers    

Fake it until you make it?

I may have been a little harsh on Katy Perry yesterday although I'm not sure my opinion on anything would really bother her one or another.

She is quoted as saying

"If you are presenting yourself with confidence you can pretty much pull off anything."

Now I made the point for certain jobs requiring high levels of skill such as a surgeon would require years of training and practice; basically a lot of hard work and without putting in the hours there is no way anyone could be confident in undertaking that role.

However, there is some merit in her quote. Those of us who tend to confidence light tend to sell ourselves short missing out on that job, promotion etc as we weren't assertive enough.

There has been some research conducted that even acting confident initially in a new situation can allow us to get over our nerves and become more assured with more practice.

However, even that takes some practice but it is really worthwhile.

Cheers

Confidence boosting phrases - are they effective?

We have all seen the slightly corny "confidence boosting" posters often featuring inspired looking characters and some words of wisdom. Do they really help build confidence or do they actually make people feel slightly nauseous?

I would go for the latter view, I have to say, I think you would have to be a fairly one dimensional and simplistic to actually be motivated by something like that.

Take this quote by Katy Perry for example

"If you're presenting yourself with confidence, you can pull off pretty much anything." 

Really?

Brain Surgeon? Airline Pilot?

It's absurd to think that anyone could carry out these roles just by thinking positively.

However, one quote from Dale Carnegie is actually really useful even though it is decades old.

"Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."

Of all the many books on the subject Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People is one of the most readable once you get over the dated phrases and inadvertent sexism.

Cheers 

Confidence by Proxy

Is it possible to become more confident as a result of the achievement of others? Do Chris Froome's amazing achievements in the Tour de France give everyone in the country a boost, likewise when Andy Murray won Wimbledon, again, a couple of weeks ago. 

There is a danger with linking yourself esteem with sports stars or teams. I should know. For many years I, like many of my fellow citizens in this city, linked my feeling of well being to the success of one of the two main football teams. However, professional sports teams go through cycles of success and failure and it so happened that my teenage years coincided with a significant amount of success for my team.

However, during my twenties the hard times arrived for my side and they were persistent underachievers. Did that make me an underachiever as well?  Well that is how I felt.

In the last few years I have realised this has been a massive and obvious mistake (when everyone you know supports one team or the other and is caught in the same trap then is harder to spot the error). I know try to boost my confidence by measuring my own sporting and other experiences.

If I make it out for a run or go for a cycle, happy days, I've ensured I'm slightly fitter and feel the benefit of exercise. If, yet, again, I fail to beat my PB at a 10k race then so what, so long as I tried my best. Although the time I did beat it was a joy.

I don't think you can become more confident as the result of the success of others in the long term, I think you need to set your own personal targets and beat them to achieve that.

Cheers

Would you like Donald Trump's confidence levels?

Prospective US Presidential candidate (who saw that coming) has been all over the media here in the UK, as well as the rest of the world I would suspect, as he wrapped up the Republican Convention.

Now there is a confident man, he has not let his lack of previous political experience or his lack of any policy detail deter him from his mission. He is bold, outspoken and does not appear to care a jot about the opinion of others.

What must it be like to have those levels of self belief? Even if it is misplaced?

On the BBC Newsnight Programme a US writer and think tank member who has worked for former Republican politicians, Peter Wehner was damning of Mr Trump. He described him as having a Personality Disorder, he didn't specify which type but Narcissistic seems the most likely.

It is defined below

"Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a long term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of understanding of others' feelings."

Now I would say that living with that all your life must be worse than suffering from a lack of confidence. Imagine not really being able to relate to anyone else. Life must be pretty empty and hollow.

I'll bear that in mind next time I come across someone who is overconfident; maybe they have a bigger cross to bear as they don't realise the need to improve or change. 

Perhaps they are really unhappy and angry as Donald Trump appears.

Cheers